im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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