I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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