We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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