the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
