Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
