Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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