I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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