one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
