apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
