I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
