Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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