The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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