He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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