Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
