I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
