Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
