saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
