booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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