remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Mom said you looked used
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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