i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
