I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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