I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I think my fart just growled at me.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
he puts the penis in happiness.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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