Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
