in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
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Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
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If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.