Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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