So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM