now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
