Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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