i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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