I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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