Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
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explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
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Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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