Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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