those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
