he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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