Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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