Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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