I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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