I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
