last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
