Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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