u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
