No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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