so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
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It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
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Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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