dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I could make wine with my vomit
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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