There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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