I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
