John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
