my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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