My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
