So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
