I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
