Just took my morning after pill in the library
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
