I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
