I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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