i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
