There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
