we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Help me help you realize you are a moron
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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