i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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