Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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