Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
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I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
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What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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