I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
