Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
